You gave so much, I gave nothing in return, and remain closed off. I know its selfish but I need you so much closer. Now, more than ever. I just want you to know, I appreciate you sharing your life with me. I miss you, oh heck I already do. Maybe one day I’ll find the courage to love you.

But I really like you.

I don’t know you

I don’t know you that well, but everytime I’m sad, I wish you were here. Everytime you’re sad, I worry for you.Why?

 

I have too much time on my hands lol.

Fear

I’m afraid. I’m afraid of getting close to someone I actually kinda like in my crazy school. I care about people way too much, and this doesn’t just apply to people I fall for. I really like this guy. But I don’t have the chance to hang out with him much. A couple of texts here, tweets there. Still, the fear of rejection is there. I put myself down cos its true. Gotta start working on that. Urgh.

This entire piece of words do not make sense at all. K. Bye.

Here we go

Never have I felt this helpless in my studies before. In secondary school, things were different, we were learning general knowledge. But now, I don’t think I’m getting A for any of modules. The ability to score well in my studies has always been a major boost in my self-confidence. It reminds me of the one thing I am good at, or was anyway.

I have to try harder, I can’t let my parents down, I wont even start.

Clean slate.

New year, new school, new friends.

Things have really changed since my last post. I got a job, got my results, got posted to Ngee Ann Poly, and now I’m officially taking Film as my course of Diploma.

I am not exaggerating when I say a LOT of things has happened over the course of these 5 monthsof absence from the blogosphere. One thing’s for sure: I’ve grown.

Actually, I don’t know what to blog about, where to begin. Cos really, there’s too much to talk about. How about.. how much I  really miss work. I mean the people there was part of my daily routine for four months! How can I not miss them? But now its time for school, so I gotta move on.

Thirty-seven.

Everybody wants to change the world.

Last week, I finally made a Facebook account. Call me stupid but I somehow feel that I’ve lost part of my identity. So anyway, I’ve just crossed a major milestone of my life-O’s and its been two weeks and it already feels like a month. Been contemplating on getting a job, might do that real soon.

So, I just wanted to talk about something thats been in my head for a while. I realized I don’t know where I’m headed to in life. I mean I know I’ll go through poly and uni but I’m just not sure doing what. I used to think I did. I used to think that my passion in life was music and that I would pursue that in one way or another. Being in CO contributed a lot to it. But lately, I’m not so sure anymore.

This year, I’ve started becoming really into Youtube, the world of film and media. I was really blown away by the raw talent of youtubers. Be it musicians or film makers or comedians. And I always dream of becoming one of them talented people. But me, I don’t think I’m exceptionally good in anything. I mean I’m good in some things but not talented in anything. I can play the drums but I’m no Travis Barker. I’m good in math but I’m no genius.

But what I’m saying is, I’m interested in media. But I have no experience whatsoever. What now?

Next option is for me to be safe and stick to the typical route where I take a business course. And even then I’d take something like Tourism.

But I want to be different, as cliche as it may sound. I want to love what I’m going to do in life(Hmm, irony here is that everyone wants to love what they’re doing, so how does that make me any different?). So that route is not for me I guess? So I’m just going to browse through poly courses some more, hoping that I will find what lays ahead of me.

And I absolutely apologize for the cheesiness of this post. I figured I’d better let it out to this non-living thing than to speak to my mum or something.

Nothing’s wrong but only somethings are right.

Hey, to you people who actually reads this shitty piece blog.

So, this is it. The final weekend before the Ordinary Levels. For some reason, I’m not as stressed as I thought I should be. I mean, I’m supposed to be freaking out right now. But I have not commited myself fully to just mugging my heart out.

What I’m feeling is actually kind of frightening, to me at least. I feel like throughout these past two years, I’ve been on a lucky streak. In terms of academic achievements. Like maybe God is going to take away that streak anytime. What if that time is the Os? What if I disappoint everyone who’s ever counted on me? Now, this is just edging on the brink of paranoia but an insecurity at this point is inevitable, right?

Which brings me to this next point: School. I’ve officially graduated from Ngee Ann Secondary School a week ago. But before that there were some things that happened that had me feeling remorseful for what I said on impulse. This has always been a huge problem of mine. I can’t seem to control this mouth. Just a few days ago I said something obnoxious in front of several people. Lets just say it has to do with academics.

To those people: I’m sorry if I disgusted you with my words. I’m disgusted myself.

Anyway, school. I must say I’m generally okay in my studies, just that I need to work on my languages & combined humanities. Right now, I’m focusing more on my better subjects, which is definitely not a good strategy. I’ve also been helping out a bunch of other people. This is a sensitive area to touch on. The joy I get to see on people’s faces when I manage to help them understand something is very satisfying. But lately I’ve been spending too much time helping others, I fear for my own studies. But I tell myself that I believe in karma, so, we’ll see how it goes.

And if I don’t help, I’ll be called snobby & selfish but oh well.

Anyway, I’ve been having study dates with my peeps, & I’ve realized that I really love them. They really understand me & always make me feel good about myself. I LOVE YOU ALL.

Another thing I’d like to get off my chest is this:

I may not have boys falling all over me, but at least I can stand on my own two feet.

I may not be cool, but at least I have lovely friends.

I may not be popular or rich or incredibly good-looking or all three but at least I have a roof over my head & have working organs.

I may not wear a DSLR camera around my neck or wear Ray-Bans to protect my precious eyes, but that doesn’t mean you can deem me to be a loser & chuck me to one side.

I may not be a messed-up person but I still have my own little problems & make my own mistakes.

Whatever I may not be, I’m certain I’m a normal human being.

Jump then fall.

This week has been hectic. I didn’t have time to hang out with the peeps or celebrate Natasya’s birthday. I have a feeling the subsequent weeks are going to follow suit, especially now that I’m in Camp Eagle. Its a programme to help improve the students’ writing skills. Maybe that could help me in blogging too lol.

Watched Despicable Me in 3D with Eric & Jaslen just now. Finally I could relax after a whole week of school, DNT, tests, CO and mania. CO was fun of course but its still tiring. Oh who am I kidding? I LOVE CO

Anyway, I’m sorry if I don’t have time to hang out. I guess the crunch time for O’s have already begun.

I wish you’d trust me enough. My heart still skips a beat each time I think of you.

I don’t know how to make this feeling stop.

So, its been a tiring week of school & CO(I’m performing for Tapestry even though I’m graduating, but thats another story).
I’ve been watching the Shaytard vlogs. For those of you who know them, send me a message! Basically its about the life of this family who lives in California(I think) which consists of mainly 6 people-two daughters, two sons & their parents. This family is beautiful & each time I watch them, I’d dream about when I’m older, I wanna have a family just like them. The kids are so young & adorable, & its fun watching them going about their normal lives cos their dad is a joker so they are always laughing. I mean even on the most mundane things that they do, I’d be concentrating, sometimes wishing how cool it’d be just to have their energy all day. I mean, its contagious.

Anyway, go check them out on youtube if you havent seen them & you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Back to my humdrum life. I’m watching waaaay too much tv for someone who’s taking a major exam in 3 1/2 months. At least I’m using the Internet on my phone less. Unless, of course, right now doesn’t count.

Sometimes I wish my blog has more readers for them to actually respond to the questions that i ask. so I wouldn’t look like a pathethic girl asking questions to non-existing audience. But I don’t have a facebook acc to let people know when I actually update my blog & there’s already a link on my twitter. Maybe its the fact that I don’t update my links. Maybe :/

I should sleep now. Night

You should know that I really am falling for you. But you don’t seem to care. At least show me something!